remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
