Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
