Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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