literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
