So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
