i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
