She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
People with herpes should wear stickers.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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