Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
