I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Vodka?
Forever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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