y did u give ur computer a hand job?
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
