I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
