Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
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Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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