there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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