Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
