I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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