im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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