I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
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