I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
