I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
