3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
