I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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