Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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