remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
