help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
