That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
