Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
