Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
