Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
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