I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
