we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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