I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I think I am morally bankrupt
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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