Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Randomize
