just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
