I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
