She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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