I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
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You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
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that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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