Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
