I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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