just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
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Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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