if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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