Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
