The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
