Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
