woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
