so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
