Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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