I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
