i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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