Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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