i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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