just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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