I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
