I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
