if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
